Facebook Pussy

Let’s be honest.  All technology is motivated by one thing… The Pussy.  I capitalize both words because this is the metaphoric The Pussy that exists in the world of forms as outlined by Plato in The Republic.  The Pussy has been the cause for many things including but not limited to wars, the use of lipstick, great works of art and women not being allowed to read or vote (and they still aren’t in the best parts of the world!).  This focus on The Pussy has shaped the world throughout history and continues to do so in the modern era. Case in point; the internet.

The internet is a lot of things to a lot of people but it would be nothing without porn.  More Specifically, the internet would cease to be relevant for millions without, the most favored of all porn, lesbian porn (double Pussy).  Not only has lesbian porn become more common since the dawn of the internet it has become the #1 type of porn consumed globally beating out its arch rival, straight porn.  All the top websites on the free internet that aren’t search or social networking related are porn or Pussy related.  But wait a minute, I wonder what the top searches are and what the main purpose of social networking is?  Oh that’s right… The Pussy. 5 out of the top 10 Google image searches for the entire world since 2008 are hot chicks, hot chick related (bikini) or the word “hot”. All things associated with The Pussy. Furthermore, 20% of all relationships in the real world begin online through dating sites. “Ok, you’re two random pieces of data have convinced me but what about social networking?” you say. Easy.

The best example of this can be found in the success of the ubiquitous Facebook.  In the movie The Social Network The Pussy is an underlying theme behind everything the world’s youngest billionaire does on his way to becoming a global icon.  Motivated by his inability to grasp The Pussy through his poor social skills in real life Mark Zuckerberg goes digital.  After creating his social network he sits with apprehension about launching The Facebook until his Eureka moment where he adds two key things: “relationship status” & “interested in”.  These two things allow people a way to easily find available Pussy.  It was the understanding of the power of the almighty Pussy that catapulted Facebook to epic success making Mark Zuckerberg the youngest billionaire in the world; sound logic indeed.

So here is my point. We all have levels of Facebook friends. The average person only interacts with 54 of their 130 Facebook friends on average according to the most recent stats on Facebook usage.  The other 76 friends on that list are people you had that one class with in college and forgot to delete, family members, people you used to work with or (you guessed it) hot chicks that you stay friends with, or probably never met, just so you can see pictures of them in a bathing suit once spring break rolls around or, God willing, catch a picture of them that time their clothing was see-through or came off and someone posted a photo of it on Facebook. Ideally you are aiming for a bisexual-lesbian make out sesh picture (double Pussy) or just some straight on nudity but let’s be realistic here.

Now, for all you non-believers I have one thing to say. Yes these things do happen and people do post them and yes; the good ones don’t get reported, deleted, or tagged.  Take a tour through your female friend’s Facebook pics In order to prove my point that The Pussy has changed our relationships through social networking I decided to take a survey. Through a sophisticated non-scientific stratified random sampling survey done in 2 minutes via Facebook chat it is my calculation that having a Facebook friend just because they are a hot chick makes up for 30% of all Facebook friends on average.

So next time someone asks you why you’re fiends with 40 girls that you haven’t talked to since college simply point to their profile pic.  You know, the one of them pressing their boobs against glass or ripping off their shirt and, unless the person questioning you is some poor African child deprived of the revolutionary networking tool saint Zuckerberg gave the world as a modern Prometheus, they will understand the simple truth. Facebook is for 4 things: keeping in touch with actual friends, finding pictures of hot chicks, organizing revolutions in the Middle East and looking at pictures of Boo the dog.

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  • For similar reasons, I can’t delete a girl’s number from my phone. I have no idea who this “Emily T” is, but one day, she will call me up and want to kick it or she’ll simply start sexting me.

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  • What is a Middle East revolution if not a concerted effort by many thousands to better hunt, track, and ascertain The Pussy?

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  • “beating out its arch rival, straight porn”

    Where does gay porn fit in to all this?

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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